By: Lux Lucre
(to the tune of "Secret Agent Man" as performed by Johnny Rivers)

There's a man who lives
a life of danger,
on every moon he lands,
he stays a stranger.
With every move he makes,
every chance he takes,
Odds are he won't live
to see tomorrow. 

Doctor Simon Tam, 
Doctor Simon Tam, 
You snatched your sister River
and the feds all know your name!

Beware of all those
planets you go to,
because a friendly town could 
hide those hands of blue!
Be careful what you say, cause
you could give yourself away.
Odds are he won't live
to see tomorrow!

Doctor Simon Tam, 
Doctor Simon Tam, 
You snatched your sister River
and the feds all know your name!

Chillin' on Persephone one day,
lying on Higgins' Moon the next day...
don't let the wrong words slip,
while kissin' Kaylee's lips.
I say you won't live
to see tomorrow!

Doctor Simon Tam, 
Doctor Simon Tam, 
You snatched your sister River
and the feds all know your name!